Just a thought
Posted by Keane Wiley | 20 Apr, 2007I am 5 foot 11 with blond hair and blue eyes. I am a lot more jovial in real life compared with my online self expressed here and I am an only child. The one thing that usually gets people’s attention is the fact that I grew up without a mother. Right, this is the part where you gasp and feel sorry for me-or at least pretend to…
Everytime I meet someone and they find out that my mother passed away (many years ago), they act as if it had just happened the day before. I can see the uncomfortable shuffling, fidgeting and sideways glances that indicate their guilt at having asked such a personal question. The awkwardness then moves to me for having replied with that conversation-stopping sentence and yet at the same time, I’m bored with the topic, having relived it many times before.
Some people act as if my life ended at the point of her passing, as if I should break down at the mention of her name and are amazed that I can live without having two parents. But why react like this? The only difference between me and them is that I grew up with my father playing both parental roles.
Of course, many people react the way they do, not out of genuine concern, but because that is how society has taught them to react. It is how they are expected to react and they would rather show false concern than deal with the news in an adult manner by continuing the conversation in any direction rather than leaving that lingering gap in the conversation. Growing up with one parent is also a fairly common occurrence and I would like to let those out there who have yet to meet someone without a parent to know that awkward silences are not very supportive in these situations.
Though I cannot presume to speak for everyone who has lost a loved one, I feel that a family member’s death should not be a conversation-stopper. People die. It is simply how life works and the people affected cope with it in their own way, usually without the pity and often, false concern of strangers they have just met...
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Posted by Camryn 10 Sep 2007, 19:44i know what you mean. i lost my older sister when i was five years old and no one really knows...what's to tell? but when they do find out, they say "I'm so sorry," and start cringing and touching my arm, then deciding they need to "give me a moment." It was a long time ago and I can barely remember her anymore. Thiking about her doesn't make me feel uncomfortable like it did when I was younger, but doing those things does make it more awkward...
Posted by shiba 10 Sep 2007, 19:44people, i imagine, do what they think is best when such a thing comes up in conversation. i've lost people dear to me, and at the time it's really hard to deal with. but for people who haven't experienced it - to me my father may as well be dead - they don't know how to handle it. as one who's gotten many of those 'i'm so sorry's before, i know how it feels when the topic comes up. but try to take it from where it's coming - for most people, they genuinelly do feel for you. they don't live inside your head, so they can't see how it does or doesn't affect you anymore.
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