Porn Again
Posted by Vicki Scholtz | 6 Jul, 2009The Cow shook her head slowly and sighed. "It's true," she muttered sadly to Bronstein. "Gardening really is sex for the middle-aged."
Bronstein shrugged. "Perhaps it's just that, even for the middle-aged, gardening is preferable to sex with middle-aged people?" he suggested.
The Cow sighed deeply. "I think it's a cultural thing, or a national identity thing. Or something peculiarly British." She paused, wondering if "peculiarly British" constituted redundancy. "Anyway," she continued, "it's a bit like sport."
Bronstein scratched his head. He wasn't sure if the Cow meant that sex was like sport, in which case he agreed, or if she meant that gardening was like sport, in which case he didn't, really, beyond that he didn't engage in either.
"No, silly - I meant that the phenomenon, and its relationship to Britishness, was like sport and its relationship to Britishness!" humphed the Cow, as if all that was obvious.
"Take cricket, for example. The British loved it when they invented it, until all the colonies became better at it than they were, and then it vanished from their vocabulary - with the occasional slip when they managed to beat some second-rate colonial team, like the Ozzies."
Bronstein agreed. He'd noticed how rugby had been absent from the media, until the last match against the amabokkebokke, when it had bumped even tennis from the front page. Presumably because, on that occasion, the last great British hope had been defeated. By a damnyankee.
"Gmf!" the Cow retorted. "I get your point, but tennis isn't a sport, it's a game. Like rounders, or skipping, or that game girls play with elastic stretched around their legs. The only reason it's shown on TV is because it attracts sponsorship, and the only reason it attracts sponsorship is because it's something that Brits can occasionally do OK at, and so they inflate its status so that they can feel OK about themselves - a bit like Ozzies and netball, or cane toad racing!"
"Well," mused Bronstein, what else have they got, really? Knitting? Gardening? They'd be as boring to watch on the TV as snooker or golf!"
"Perhaps they should stick to games they haven't exported to the colonies," suggested the Cow. "They'd still be the champions at those! Like, caber tossing, or curling, or thistle plucking, or haggis hunting?"
"Aren't those all Scottish?" asked Bronstein, shocked. "That's hardly representative!"
"Well," chuckled the Cow, "so are all the 'British' successes at 'sport' of late, or hadn't you noticed?"
Bronstein blushed and looked uncomfortable. "It's been really nice chatting," he shuffled awkwardly, "but I really do need to run. The garden centre shuts in an hour..."
They only won the rugby because they played a second-string SA team, and because the "British" lions were heavily supplemented by Ireland.
Posted by Lezby Real 06 Jul 2009, 19:48@ Lezby...
And because they went into the game wanting it more; because the team that played on the day had played together more then the 1/2 team and bench the SA put onto the field (which is no excuse, you wear the jersey, you play the game); and because they were the British AND Irish Lions; and because the Springboks STILL haven't learned to be disciplined in their game and rise too easily to the bait; and because the 'Boks were too focused on making the Bakkies point - oh crud, the 'ands' go on forever and we haven't even started on the c*#%h.
@ The Cow - so, Bronstein moved to the UK too? Poor bugger, all that cold and rain - must feel like an endless July in CT ;-) still, with his growing interest in gardening, I suppose he's adapted well.
Posted by The_Borg 07 Jul 2009, 08:56@Borg - I am UK born & bred. Tegenaria agrestis, the hobo spider. I am, however, first cousin to Gramsci, who remains in SA and with whom I have occasion to chat via mobile phone or, when BT's disastrous broadband permits, via IRC.
Yours most faithfully,
Bronstein Esq.
Posted by Bronstein 07 Jul 2009, 10:07I think the English lost the plot over cricket yonks ago. Cricket was invented so the Victorians had an excuse for sitting on the village green enjoying those rare sunny days. No need for guilt a la Protestant work ethic, after all they were doing something. Winning or losing wasn't the point.
Posted by Freudalina 07 Jul 2009, 15:07The English didn't need guilt, to watch the cricket. They had rain and nettles instead.
Posted by fairweather friend 07 Jul 2009, 18:53@Borg,
are you the tennis player or the Star Trek variety?
My family all bear names of great political import - I was named after Antonio Gramsci, and my cousin after Lev Bronstein, whom you may also Google to establish was better known as "Trotsky".
Posted by Gramsci 08 Jul 2009, 14:33Resistance was futile, she was assimilated - it is The Cow of whom I speak - and is now a denizen of the howling wildernesses of the Far North.
Far from The Mountain, which sustains all. But more importantly, Far From Good Wine Farms.
Heh, heh, heh....
Posted by notmax 17 Jul 2009, 11:54Luckily the Cow does not do wine. Nor rugby, nor biltong. Not even cricket. Not much to desimilate, perhaps?
Posted by Gramsci 17 Jul 2009, 12:21No-one spoke of dried, spiced dead meat, stupid games with pieces of wood, nor even the Holy Game. Just of The Mountain and The Holy Fluid.
Ya GOTTA miss The Mountain??!!
Posted by notmax 21 Jul 2009, 10:46