Carnivorous Cow

The Cow was consulting with Dr Google in her quest for some of the wisdom of Steve Wright, when she came across something altogether else. The stand-up master, it appeared, shared his name with the recently-sentenced Ipswich murderer. 

"This is just bizarre!" she muttered to Gramsci. "Do you think he took to killing sex workers because they expected him to be funny? And then when they didn't laugh at his jokes, he felt embarrassed and had to delete all memory of the incident?"

Gramsci shrugged. "Perhaps he was just recycling," he suggested. "Once he'd paid, he wanted to use the same payment for the next woman?"

"Well," the Cow added, "That's not the only recycling going down in the story. It seems his partner's surname - her own, independent of any connection with him - was also Wright. As was the prosecutor in the case, according to the reports."

"Yet another 'coincidence', no doubt," suggested Gramsci. "As well as the similarities in surnames of two of his victims, Nicol and Nicholls."

"Well I'll bet that despite what the prosecutor called him in court, his partner no longer considers him 'Mr Right'," the Cow sighed. 

Gramsci agreed. "It is a Wright mess," he conceded.  

The Cow was suffering Facebook fatigue. After yet another flood of invitations to install applications, she was getting RSI from hitting the "reject all" link.

"What's with this 'Human Pets' thing anyway?" she grumbled to Gramsci. "Who'd want to be a human pet?"

Gramsci looked up, startled. "Well, at least one person," he proffered. "According to reports, there was a recent incident where one was thrown off a London bus." 

The Cow loomed over his shoulders and took a look.  "Hmmm..." she mused. "She doesn't cook or clean, and claims to have an easy life. I suppose there's something to be said for that!"

"She lives on state benefits, too," Gramsci added. "Imagine filling out forms - Occupation: Pet! Wonder what the statisticians make of that when they interpret census data?"

The Cow chuckled. She could imagine the delight UK taxpayers felt in subsidising their compatriots' animal lifestyles.

"Well, some claim that the English treat their dogs better than their children," Gramsci reminded her. "And dogs are allowed to stay in UK hotels!" 

The Cow shuffled awkwardly. She'd seen far too many dogs travelling in the cab of local bakkies, while the farm labourer sat on the back.

"Perhaps," she suggested, "if we valued humans more, aspiring to be a pet would be less alluring?"