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mail meOn the 18th of December 2007 delegates queued to cast their votes at the 52nd annual ANC conference in Polokwane. A few years later, in 2009 to be exact, Jacob Zuma is missioning up the red carpet outside parliament - about to make the opening speech.
Upon entry all rise and rip into song - needless to say: uMshini wam. The honourable Zuma takes to the podium whilst the house settles and reaches a point of deafening silence (after two hours).
The honourable one takes a painstakingly slow sip of his water and wipes the sweat trickling down his forehead. He clears his throat and proceeds as follows:
"I am an African!I owe my survival and being to late night showers, the Fikile Mbalulas and the Zwelinzima Vavis, the Schabir and Mo Shaiks, the five provinces, the sangomas, the Women's League and the ever-changing laws that constantly define my alleged guilt.
My cases have frozen in our frosts of our latter day NPA search warrants. They have thawed in the warmth of our sunshine and melted in the heat of my innocence. The crack and the rumble of the law, lashed by startling judges, have been a cause both of trembling and fear. I have overcome all.
The fragrance of women's perfume has been as pleasant to me as the sight of the mini-skirts and kangas. The slits on the skirts of many present here today are of great inspiration to me. And I will continue to draw my strength from the Women's league - which has been a pillow of support both literally and figuratively over the past few years.
The dramatic shapes of the Drakensberg, the soil-coloured waters of Inanda, Tugela river, and the sands of North Beach, have all been panels of the set on the natural stage on which I act out my foolish deeds during the theatre of the day.
South Africa's media now reports on matters pertaining to birds, bees and nature in general. None dare delve into politics and crime. Zapiro's caricatures of a showerhead bearing me are no more. Once again. No media.
I repeat. No media or cartoonists dare challenge me - as I've now acquired uMshini wam. Mshini wam! Mshini wam! Mshi? (He pauses and apologises for breaking into song)At times, and in fear, I have wondered whether I should concede equal citizenship of our country to the fraudsters, rapists, and all criminals in general.
A human presence among all these, a feature on the face of our naive land thus defined, I know that none dare challenge me when I say - I am an African leader!
Whoever we may be, whatever our immediate interest, however much we carry baggage from our past, however much we have been caught by the fashion of cynicism and loss of faith in the capacity of the people, let us err today and say - nothing can stop us now!
Thank you!"
Former president Thabo Mbeki's efforts to sue for plagiarism - citing that some of the lines in honourable Zuma's opening speech were his - all fell on deaf ears as no one took him seriously and considered him simply the aloof man who spent eight years digging his own political grave.