Media Flaws

Yesterday that convivial sod, oops I meant Julius, was at a primary school and kids sat attentively as he walked in. Poor kids had even made colourful posters welcoming Julius. I can already imagine what he had to say to 10, 11, 12 year olds. Here goes:

Julius Malema: Childrens! Good morning!

Childrens: Good morning teacher Malema!

JM:  It is with great camaraderie that I stand before you future revolutionaries!

C: Yes teacher!

JM: They want to send me to Timbuktu until after the elections. But I want to say - that will never happen! Christian Martin is a delusional spoilt minister trapped in the Eastern Cape. What does he know about Timbuktu? And why does he call himself Christian when he does not show any signs of being religious? Religious people do not say things like that. He is a hypocrite.

C: Yes teacher!

/// AT THIS POINT JULIUS PULLS OUT A PICTURE OF GUN WIELDING CHILD SOLDIERS IN ZAMBIA///

JM: Now childrens I want to encourage you to forward the revolution and take up arms for these forthcoming elections.

C: Yes teacher! [now looking really puzzled but still churning out the obligatory ‘yes teacher’ their teacher advised them to respond with regardless of what is said.]

JM: It is good that you are in school. You will be the educated oligarchy that will forward the movement’s agenda.

C: Yes, teacher!

JM: But even today. Today you can impact make! When you go home today you must tell your stupid parents to Vote ANC!

C: Yes teacher! [By this time the kids are looking around for their actual class teacher who sits in a corner canning herself with laughter].

JM: Repeat after me. VOTE ANC.

C: VOTE ANC.

JM: That is good little comrades. That is good. Now go forth and spread the word.

C: Yes, teacher.

I don’t actually care what Julius had to say to this lot – but I deeply am troubled by this visit to a primary school. Do children at that age even know what Julius Malema is? Why even bother? Why bring such an antithesis of role-modelship to possibly impressionable kiddies? I digress. I’ll post the picture of him with the kids tomorrow.

P.S: I just find it rather disturbing that so-called universities or any actual site where the act of educating, enriching minds or teaching takes place could actually allow that oblivious imbecile through their gates.

The kids in primary schools have no choice really; but teachers and principals should decline such offers. That's like allowing a drug addict to visit your school and talk to your learners about his deep-rooted passion/love for Tik or Cocaine.

Trust me to get on the band wagon of Eskom this, Eskom that, Government this and Government didn't that, etcetera...

So you'd like to see how you'd fair in a powerless South Africa?

Click on link below to try out my (litmus) test, which first appeared in the mynews24 section:

http://www.news24.com/News24/MyNews24/Your_story/0,,2-2127-2128_2260728,00.html

Enjoy!

On the 18th of December 2007 delegates queued to cast their votes at the 52nd annual ANC conference in Polokwane. A few years later, in 2009 to be exact, Jacob Zuma is missioning up the red carpet outside parliament - about to make the opening speech.

Upon entry all rise and rip into song - needless to say: uMshini wam. The honourable Zuma takes to the podium whilst the house settles and reaches a point of deafening silence (after two hours).

The honourable one takes a painstakingly slow sip of his water and wipes the sweat trickling down his forehead. He clears his throat and proceeds as follows:

At times, and in fear, I have wondered whether I should concede equal citizenship of our country to the fraudsters, rapists, and all criminals in general.

A human presence among all these, a feature on the face of our naive land thus defined, I know that none dare challenge me when I say - I am an African leader!

Whoever we may be, whatever our immediate interest, however much we carry baggage from our past, however much we have been caught by the fashion of cynicism and loss of faith in the capacity of the people, let us err today and say - nothing can stop us now!

Thank you!"

Former president Thabo Mbeki's efforts to sue for plagiarism - citing that some of the lines in honourable Zuma's opening speech were his - all fell on deaf ears as no one took him seriously and considered him simply the aloof man who spent eight years digging his own political grave.

Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend version 7.0 to Wife version 1.0. I soon noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources. In addition, Wife1.0 installed itself into all other programs and now monitors all other system activity. Applications such as Poker Night 10.3, Football 5.0 ,Hunting and Fishing 7.5 and Racing 3.6.

I can't seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run my favorite applications. I'm thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0 but the uninstall doesn't work on Wife 1.0.

Please help!
Thanks, 
A Troubled User.

Want to read tech support's response?

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Phew, this has arguably got to be the longest day ever. When students come back they make sure you feel it! Sucking your blood. Draining you completely. Supposed to start teaching Dreamweaver today but heaven knows where most of the class was - now it means an extra class! Is it me or is my timetable getting a bit crazy lately. Argh, as the day draws to an end I thought I should share this letter - which lifted my mood a bit:

Liewe Jan

I'm writing this slow because I know that you can't read fast. We don't live where we did when you left home. Your pa read in the newspaper that almost all accidents happen within 20km of home. So we moved.

I can't send you the address, because the last family who lived here took the house numbers when they moved, so they wouldn't have to change their address.

The weather isn't bad here. It rained only twice last week. The first time for four days, and the second time for three days.

About the coat you wanted me to send you. Your oom Frikkie said it would be too heavy to send them in the post with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.

Piet locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were really worried because it took him two hours to get me and your father out.

Your sister had a baby this morning but I don't know what it is yet, so I don't know if you are an aunt or an uncle. I was told that it is almost black. I think she spent too much time in the sun when she was pregnant, always helping Jonas the farmhand with the mealies.

Oom Wessels fell into a whisky vat last week. Some men tried to pull him out, but he fought them off and drowned. We had him cremated. It took five days to put the fire out.

Three of your friends went off a bridge in their oupa's bakkie. I always knew this thing was dangerous. Janneman was driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your other two friends were on the back..They drowned because they couldn't get the tailgate down.

There isn't much more news at this time. Nothing much out of the normal has happened.

Your favorite aunt
Hanna
P.S. I was going to enclose R25 but I already sealed the envelope !

I really don't like reading those unoriginal forwarded messages, but I begged myself to read this one:

A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see the bed was nicely made, and everything was picked up. Then, he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed, "Dad." With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands.

Dear Dad,

It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend, because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you.

I've been finding real passion with Stacy, and she is so nice, but I knew you would not approve of her, because of all her piercing, tattoos, her tight Motorcycle clothes, and because she is so much older than I am. But it's not only the passion, Dad. She's pregnant.

Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods, and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children. Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't, really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves, and trading it with the other people in the commune, for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want. In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS, so Stacy can get better. She sure deserves it!

Don't worry Dad, I'm 15, and I know how to take care of myself. Someday, I'm sure we'll be back to visit, so you can get to know your many grandchildren.

Love, your son,
John.

P.S. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the school report that's on my desk. I love you!

Call when it is safe for me to come home.

Opened my inbox this morning and I was greeted by this warning: "There is a dangerous virus being passed around electronically, orally, and by hand. This virus is called Worm-Overload-Recreational-Killer (WORK).

If you receive WORK from any of your colleagues, students, or anyone else via any means DO NOT TOUCH IT. This virus will wipe out your private life completely.

If you should come into contact with WORK put your jacket on and take two good friends to the nearest bottle store. Purchase an antidote known as Work-Isolating-Neutralizer-Extract (WINE) or Bothersome-Employer-Elimination-Rebooter (BEER). Take the antidote repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated from your system. Researchers, including the great Vavi and Blade, have been working day and night to concoct a vaccine. It's in its trail phase and has already been named the "Strike .07" This vaccine is said to be the greatest since 1985 and could potentially save thousands from WORK."

In passing I managed to dig up this 2006 cartoon - which now rings true:

I normally channel my anger into various creative endeavours, but the latest GroupWise email system has really got me worked up. As revenge I managed to dig up this not-so-original rumour about an Information & Communication Technology Services (ICTS) employee who was unfairly dismissed earlier this year. I don’t usually follow-up on rumours of this nature, but you’ll soon understand why the dismissal might have been unfair.

Here’s what transpired (Bearing in mind that this is a rumour):

"Thank you for calling ICTS, how may I help you?"

"Yes, well, I’m having trouble with Microsoft Word."

"What sort of trouble?"

"Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."

"Went away?"

"They disappeared."

"I see. So what does your screen look like now?"

"Nothing."

"Nothing?"

"It’s blank; it won’t accept anything when I type."

"Are you still in Word, or did you get out?"

"How do I tell?"

"Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?"

"What’s a sea-prompt?"

"Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?"

"There isn’t any cursor: I told you, it won’t accept anything I type."

"Does your monitor have a power indicator?"

"What’s a monitor?"

"It’s the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it’s on?"

"I don’t know."

"Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?"

"Yes, I think so."

"Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it’s plugged into the wall."

".......Yes, it is."

"When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?"

"No."

"Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."

".......Okay, here it is."

"Follow it for me, and tell me if it’s plugged securely into the back of your computer."

"I can’t reach."

"Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?"

"No."

"Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?"

"Oh, it’s not because I don’t have the right angle – it’s because it’s dark."
"Dark?"

"Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window."

"Well, turn on the office light then."

"I can’t."

"No? Why not?"

"Because there’s a power outage."

"A power... A power outage? Aha, Okay, we’ve got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?"

"Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."

"Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."

"Really? Is it that bad?"

"Yes, I’m afraid it is."

"Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?"

"Tell them you’re too stupid to own a computer."

I’m currently suffering from a severe dearth of creativity – due to this hectic exam period – I will however be posting my usual meandering once students are gone.

TAXIING down the runway, the airliner stopped abruptly, turned around and returned to the departure tunnel. After an hour it finally took off.

A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant: "What, exactly, was the problem?"

"The pilot was bothered by a noise in the engine," explained the flight attendant. "It took a while to find a new pilot"