TayoBlog

In the last 10 days, I have enjoyed the honour and distinction of speaking at 2 wedding ceremonies: one in the Northwest Province and one in the Western Province. These are two regions in South Africa. I am not usually invited to speak at these events, and I am myself reluctant to do so. Speaking at weddings, especially at Muslim ones, can be quite a challenging task which I prefer to leave to those more competent than me. Since the first was my sister's son, and the second my only cousin's daughter in Cape town, I agreed. I enjoyed every minute of it!

Sitting back, I have had the chance to think more carefully about these events. I realize that I should have done more of the thinking before the events. I did that, but now there is some opportunity to reflect in the aftermath!

Anyway, I raised questions about traditions at these weddings. At the first event, I pointed out that the relentless rejection of traditions breaks down the social bonds that binds people in a community or society. Especially in Muslim societies, I was targeting those who regularly attack social traditions because they do not conform to strict adherence to the Prophetic model. Without realizing the implications of this puritan drive, such approaches eventually break the ties that bind people. And marriage ceremonies, and especially its traditons, reinforce these social bonds. Perhaps traditions must change, I conceded, but they can only be rejected at the risk of greater social peril.

On another occasion, I found myself taking a slightly different approach. Some quick observers told me that that I was contradicting myself. On this occasion, I reminded Aishah, the bride of my nephew, Muhammad, that had she been a bride 30 or 40 years ago, she might have heard advice about how to serve her husband, please him to the best of her ability, etc. I read a passage from the great Muslim scholar al-Ghazzali to the same effect. But I tried to point out, in unequivocal terms, that she not follow this tradition. Even in 2007, the women in the audience laughed at me for even suggesting that they would take al-Ghazali seriously. I did not want to take any chances.

At the third and last occasion, I was running out of ideas. But I managed to focus on the importance of building an honest relationship in a marriage for which I quoted the great poet, Rumi. The quote is worth repeating:

If you perceive a fault in your companion, the fault which you perceive in him (or her) is within yourself. The wise is like a mirror in which you see your own image, for "The believer is the mirror of his fellow believer.' Get rid of that fault in you, for what distresses you in him distresses you in yourself.

For me, the relationship between two persons was most important and needed nurturing in a marriage.

Of course, I said much more on these occasion that I am relating in this blog!

At the last wedding proceeded to a close, I began thinking about the kind of traditions and symbols that pervade SA Muslim ceremonies. Societies and individuals are rapidly changing, but the traditions remain quite fixed in their broad, general outline. And that outline depicts the delivery of the bride to the family of the husband! As the last event came to a close, a beautiful song including a melodious salutation to the Prophet was rendered by the presiding Imam and about 3 or 4 men. The bride, with tears in her eyes, greeted her mother, her aunts and then her father. She was then received by her husband and his family!

The irony of this last event is that the young couple will be living in a granny flat of the bride's parents! So much for delivery of the hapless bride to her in-laws. And in the first wedding, my nephew and his bride were already married in court about a year ago. Both had been regularly visiting my sister over the last year!

My point is that social relations have been changing rapidly over the years, but the ceremonies pretended that nothing had changed. The pretence did not stop at the ceremonies. Society happily pretended that marriage was about families coming together. And family regularly delivered their daughters to their new families.

In reality, in South Africa at least. two individuals were joined in marriage at these ceremonies. Thinking about these experiences, Rumi's advise was probably most important in the circumstances.