VARSITY newspaper

Varsity has just completed its shortest production cycle in living memory (9 days). This is how long it took to amass content, sell advertising, and lay out the articles, in time to come out in the last week of term. All this was accomplished in the nightmarish week of essay deadlines and study pressures, nogal (a fact which is reflected in some of our content; our Focus page, for example).

It's been a damned hard ride, but we're glad to finally be on the stands, for the last time this semester. Get your copy now!

Hope you enjoy it,

Varsity team.

p.s. Good luck for exams, whether you're writing them, or marking them.

Erratum:

After Varsity came out this morning, I was contacted by one of the writers who had been published on the Focus page. She has expressed no small amount of outrage at the heading under which her article appears (‘Desperate f-ing times call for desperate f-ing measures’) and wishes to disassociate herself from the heading entirely.

As her co-writer, and the person responsible for the heading, I apologise to the writer for any harm caused to her character.

- Murray Hunter

The Intergalactic Education of Nestle Barone

Murray Hunter & Charles Human

People have complained that this serial is confusing if you haven’t been following it. Relax. It’s like watching Days Of Our Lives; you don’t have to tune in regularly. When you do, you just have to expect lots of staring into the distance, a few dramatic pauses, and some demonic possession. Oh, and it’s set in the future. In another galaxy. Less like Days in that regard.

And the story continues...

Sarah sighed contently in Nestle’s arms: ‘Could it get more perfect than this? Nestle had visions of a Playstation-and-oral-sex session, but said nothing. Suddenly the window exploded and a flock of ninjas descended on their room. (In the future, ninjas travel in flocks. Don’t ask.) ‘She won’t be loving you long time,’ said the Head Ninja in badly dubbed English, grabbing Sarah. They dragged her out the window, kicking and screaming, and into a waiting hovercar. As it sped off, Nestle saw the distinctive M of the Mentomax Corporation emblazoned on the side.

Stan came running up the stairs. He found a distraught Nestle standing at the window. ‘They took Sarah, Stan. How do I get her back?’

Stan knew just what to do. ‘There’s a guy that lives in Res, his name is Morpheaz. He’ll be able to help.’

‘Welcome, Nestle, I’ve been expecting you,’ the said black-coated, bald-headed Morpheaz an hour later. It was terribly impressive, except that Stan had SMSed ahead.

All you need to know

Grant Apsey

Incredible laziness and a well-developed sense of apathy ensure that I never read anything more stirring or thought provoking than Where’s Wally. Occasionally however, I extend my reading from the Humour section of the paper to what I refer to as: ‘That other crap.’ I must admit that every time I do, I learn something very interesting: the news isn’t really changing. So, for those of you who don’t really feel like reading the rest of VARSITY, or even the rest of the Humour page, I have summarised what is probably in the rest of the paper in this edition. Incidentally, it’s also a prequel for what will be in the next edition:

So, you’re a 50-year-old ex-Rock God and suddenly no longer young enough to pull the crowds. You’ve played Madison Square Garden. You’ve had sex with Brigitte Bardot, Andy Warhol and an Emu. You’ve beaten David Bowie at heroin Putt-Putt; best 3 days of your life. But now what? Slide into obscurity while these new kids with no rhythm and no sense of proper rock hairstyle take over? Hell no. You may have broken the old Rock and Roll mantra - live fast, die young - but that’s okay. Here are some tips for re-igniting your Rock God status:

I just came from your memorial. The entire time my jaws were clenched, I didn't want to cry. Inside me things were snapping, feelings threatening to run amock. If I had let them, I might not have been able to gather the pieces. I have to remain whole as I slowly come to terms with your passing. Your death left me thinking of our comings and goings, of our points of arrival and departure. Our ways of dying.

I can only imagine what your family is going through. I only pray that time will heal their wounds; they say there is no greater pain for a parent than burying a child, an only child at that.

You would have been happy if you saw the number of people that were at your memorial this afternoon. I had no idea that you had touched so many people. And they decided to name the Disability Dayhouse after you. Can you imagine Abi, the Abigail Milotchwa Disability Dayhouse. They said the last time you visited the place you wrote on the board; 'Abigail M. I'll be back again and again and again'. In a way, now you'll never leave.

One of your comrades said that despite our different religious beliefs there is one thing we can be certain about; there is no wheelchair where you are. 'Leap. Jump. Dance with the sky. And go up the stairs three at a time.'

Goodbye my friend.

Bongani Kona

Politics is a bit like the Oscars; whoever delivers the best performance usually garners the most votes. It is a game of perceptions. In the run up to the 2009 elections the ANC will probably pull Mandela out of his retirement hole for a few speeches, and the SABC will screen documentaries about June 16 or the Sharpsville massacres on top of the 200 apartheid movies. And where will that leave the DA; in that unenviable position of being the 'white party' trying to take power away from the 'black' government. That has always been the Archilles' heel of the DA and unless they can rid themselves of that perception, they will never pose a serious threat to the ANC.

Although I'm not a fanatic DA supporter, I have to feel sorry for Joel Seremane. If, indeed, he succeeds in becoming the head of the DA it will be because he is black (despite all his credentials), and if he fails it will be because he is black. The paradox is that the DA is aiming for a non-racial society but the society they live in is one that is conscious of race. If the president can be trigger-happy with the term 'racist', then for some years to come, we won't be able to see people as people but as racial groups.

Bongani Kona

Opinions Editor

The following was sent to Varsity by Jennifer Miller, a UCT student.

Dear Editor,

I am writing to warn Varsity readers about a conman who has been operating in the UCT area.

A short, well-dressed, middle-aged white man stopped me when I was driving along Rugby Road with a story about how he had been filming on the rugby fields and had locked himself out of his office. He asked to use my cell phone. He could not get through to the numbers he needed and so asked if he could borrow some petrol money to get to Hout Bay. When I realised I did not have any cash, he asked me to draw money from an ATM so that he could call a locksmith. He claimed to be the owner of Aca Joe and promised to give me R1000 Aca Joe voucher and the money next time he was in the Southern Suburbs. He gave me a lot of contact details, which turned out to be false, and took mine. I very stupidly gave him R300.

He is a compelling character, telling about his family and life story. He is about 5' 9", in his forties, with closely shaved white hair.

I recently met another girl who had been conned by a man telling the almost identical story. This happened at the robot at Presitge and Voortrekker roads in Maitland. A friend tells me he has been working the area for years. I am sure many others have been conned by him but, like me, have been embarrassed to admit it. I have realised, however, that this must be spoken about to prevent him from continuing.

Thinking back, I can notice the inconsistencies in his story, but he is a smooth talker, and fooled me anyway. I hope that we can prevent more UCT students from being conned.

Yours,
Jennifer Miller

Click here for images of Camp Darfur.

The week-long Darfur exhibition (VARSITY Edition 2, Tuesday 6 March) culminated in a refugee camp on Jameson Plaza, where individual students and societies could build a shelter on Plaza from cardboard, plastic and bedsheets. The day event, organised by Stand Up, was poorly attended, despite being supported by several societies; this was attributed in part to the blistering afternoon sun, with temperatures reportedly soaring to 35 degrees. However, several dozen students did attend the candle-lit vigil held that night on Jameson plaza.

Pictures: MURRAY HUNTER

Click here view images from the protest: Zim March

While Jammie drivers Downed Tools, leaving pedestrians to walk up to campus in the blistering heat, things were hotting up elsewhere on campus. Hundreds of students gathered to join a protest march through the city of Cape Town, from Grand Parade to Parliament. The march included numerous student bodies, including the SRC (which organised the event), ZimSoc, Sasco and the DA, as well as the Movement for Democratic Change. Present were notables such as SRC President, Zuki Mqolomba; from the MDC, Sara Reith and former SRC President, Nqobizitha 'Fire' Mlilo; even the Independant Democrats' Patricia De Lille.

Pictures: MURRAY HUNTER

Print media is dead. Dead as disco. That's the fact. (South Africa is one of the only countries in the world where newspaper readership is on the increase: elsewhere, in the modern world, print media is on a steady decline.) Newspapers are just too damned expensive, and, let's face it, a terribly inefficient way of spreading information.

So now Varsity Newspaper is blogging.

Of course, we still love a good paper. (My motto has always been that it isn't news if it doesn't leave inkstains on your fingers.) But, as part of our efforts to drag Varsity -kicking, screaming and biting- into the 21st Century, we'll be contributing regular opinions, newsflashes and photojournalism to this forum.

Hope you enjoy.

Murray
Deputy Editor