All you need to know

Grant Apsey

Incredible laziness and a well-developed sense of apathy ensure that I never read anything more stirring or thought provoking than Where’s Wally. Occasionally however, I extend my reading from the Humour section of the paper to what I refer to as: ‘That other crap.’ I must admit that every time I do, I learn something very interesting: the news isn’t really changing. So, for those of you who don’t really feel like reading the rest of VARSITY, or even the rest of the Humour page, I have summarised what is probably in the rest of the paper in this edition. Incidentally, it’s also a prequel for what will be in the next edition:

  • America is invading Iraq. Or Afghanistan. Or possibly even Florida. In all honesty, nobody has any clue what is going on. They may as well be trying to take over the world by farming pumpkins for the all sense it’s making. Everyone’s pretty upset about it though, so just to be safe you should be too.
  • The SRC is doing something to piss us off. I don’t know what it is but those goofy bastards just can’t seem to get it right. When I read the stories about their latest fiasco, I get images of people that routinely drink everything in the medicine cabinet. It seems that the SRC are very much like wearing goggles for eating grapefruit; a good idea but will always look far too stupid to be taken seriously.
  • Someone will be complaining about Royal Sechaba. However, until they eventually manage to kill someone it is unlikely they will ever get an entire article devoted to them. For those that are not in res, Royal Sechaba is a cult that believes in transcendence through partially cooked chicken. Don’t drink their Kool-Aid.
  • Now and again you’ll be treated to an article by a vegetarian. They don’t make much sense, but can’t be blamed for trying, bless them. After several years without any valuable nutrients to speak of they become a little bit like stroke patients. Still, we need to cherish them while we can because, like giant pandas, they’ll be extinct soon.
  • There will be someone reminiscing fondly of how they got an infection at Tin Roof, either from its floor or its clientele. It’s a legal requirement for anyone who goes there to have to let everybody else know about it. Sort of like how you have to register if you’re a sex offender.

In addition to the above topics, the following terms will be thrown around liberally enough for your organs to haemorrhage: awareness, heritage, post-modern, transformation (not an invitation to send me an angry e-mail), commerce student, arrested, solicitation, for.

-GA