The Intergalactic Education of Nestle Barone

Murray Hunter & Charles Human

People have complained that this serial is confusing if you haven’t been following it. Relax. It’s like watching Days Of Our Lives; you don’t have to tune in regularly. When you do, you just have to expect lots of staring into the distance, a few dramatic pauses, and some demonic possession. Oh, and it’s set in the future. In another galaxy. Less like Days in that regard.

And the story continues...

Sarah sighed contently in Nestle’s arms: ‘Could it get more perfect than this? Nestle had visions of a Playstation-and-oral-sex session, but said nothing. Suddenly the window exploded and a flock of ninjas descended on their room. (In the future, ninjas travel in flocks. Don’t ask.) ‘She won’t be loving you long time,’ said the Head Ninja in badly dubbed English, grabbing Sarah. They dragged her out the window, kicking and screaming, and into a waiting hovercar. As it sped off, Nestle saw the distinctive M of the Mentomax Corporation emblazoned on the side.

Stan came running up the stairs. He found a distraught Nestle standing at the window. ‘They took Sarah, Stan. How do I get her back?’

Stan knew just what to do. ‘There’s a guy that lives in Res, his name is Morpheaz. He’ll be able to help.’

‘Welcome, Nestle, I’ve been expecting you,’ the said black-coated, bald-headed Morpheaz an hour later. It was terribly impressive, except that Stan had SMSed ahead.

They sat on Morpheaz’s couch as Stan explained the situation, while Nestle just stared at Morpheaz’s big bald head. ‘Well, Nestle, you’ve got to make a choice.’ Morpheaz held out a palmful of pills. (He really was very bald. Like a cue-ball.) ‘Take the green pill, and you’ll get a slow rush. Take the purple pill, and you get a nice buzz and some kickass hallucinations.’

Nestle snapped out of his cue-ball reverie. ‘But how will they help me rescue Sarah?’

‘They won’t,’ said Morpheaz, ‘But they’ll make it a lot easier to deal with.’

Nestle pointed at a large black pill in Morpheaz’s palm. ‘What about that?’

Morpheaz looked shocked. ‘Nooo son, you don’t wanna take the black pill.’

Human to his very core, Nestle grabbed the black pill and swallowed it.

His vision began to swim. Everything went white. Then it went black. Then white again. (A bit like MNet in the 1990s.) When Nestle came to, he was in the middle of a vast desert. Standing over him was a man in a white cheesecloth shirt that billowed in the wind. The man smiled. ‘Hi, Nestle, I’m Morten Harket, lead singer of the 80s band A-ha. For centuries the power of 80s music has lain dormant in the very fabric of the universe. You have been chosen to release it.’ Word counts were tight; almost immediately the desert began to fade, while Morten’s words echoed:

‘Release the power, Nestle, release it...’

Nestle woke up to find Morpheaz splashing water on his face. He looked at Nestle with awe. ‘You have the power of 80s music, Nestle. I can feel it. You are the Wearer of the Skinny Jeans.’

Stan gazed in wonder. ‘You are the one, Nestle. The one who can bring Mentomax down.’ Nestle’s heart beat furiously. If someone with the wrong kind of legs wore the Skinny Jeans, the whole universe could implode. He concentrated on the raw emotional power of A-ha’s hit single ‘Take On Me’. He felt the denim riding up his crotch. It gave him strength. It was time to kick ass.


Will Nestle be able to rescue Sarah? Will he harness his power, or be destroyed by the sheer force of 80s retro? Will Charlie be able to hide the fact that he went to high school in the 80s? Would you like fries with that?